


False Moves (Bulldozer remix)

by ladadadi



Category: f(x)
Genre: Disordered Eating, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-22
Updated: 2011-12-22
Packaged: 2017-11-11 22:24:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,221
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/483517
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ladadadi/pseuds/ladadadi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's an evil thing, schadenfreude; but for all that Jinri isn't a bad person, she never said she was good either.</p>
            </blockquote>





	False Moves (Bulldozer remix)

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [When Your Friends Are Out To Get You](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/10827) by warmboys. 



> Written for the 2011 round of kpop_ficmix (LJ). Title from Kimbra's ["Good Intent"](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5XjNlpe7hII&ob=av2e)

It takes Luna longer to figure out than they expected. She's a sweet girl, not the type to be prone to suspicion and conspiracy theories, but still. It's almost a month before she asks them why they were hiding the fruit.

Jinri looks at Victoria like, _Do you want to do it?_ Victoria turns away, so her eyes shift to Krystal instead: _What about you?_ Krystal glances at Victoria, both of them hesitant because they like Luna and, well, Jinri doesn't. Not as much, at least. So she reaches out, even the barest pressure of her finger enough to push in the flesh of Luna's arm, and says, "Unnie, we think it's time you lost some weight."

 

Jinri isn't mean, not really. A little self-centered maybe, but who isn't at 16? It's just that when management says Luna needs to lose at least 3 kg, Jinri feels a little thrill go through her. It's an evil thing, schadenfreude; but for all that Jinri isn't a bad person, she never said she was good either.

 

Amber is disgusted when she hears. She doesn't say anything because management ordered her to work on keeping her feelings to herself, but Jinri knows. It's in the way her jaw tightens and her nostrils flare. Luna tries to joke it off, but Amber interrupts her with a speech about how gorgeous she is and how she doesn't have to conform to stupid beauty standards to be an amazing person.

Victoria has to call back a few hours later and tell her not to say things like that anymore.

 

"I heard Park Bom went on an all-juice diet," Jinri tells Luna. She's not sure she can be heard over the blender. She's not sure she wants to. “Apparently that’s supposed to work really well. But I wouldn’t know, ‘cause I’ve never, um, been fat.” And there it is — the tiny flash of hurt and disappointment and resentment in Luna's eyes that Jinri has never felt like this and will never need to.

Then it's gone and Luna is laughing at herself and how ridiculous the whole situation is. Jinri does genuinely envy that. Luna loves her body by nourishing it and enjoying everything about it, even its flaws. Jinri loves hers because she tells herself it's better than everyone else's.

"What's exactly in this anyway?" Luna asks a few minutes later, after her giggles have subsided.

"Ten ounces of spinach," Victoria replies before Jinri can even open her mouth. "It's very nutritious and helps bowel movement as well." _Thank god we'll be gone for that part,_ Jinri thinks. "Just make sure you don't have any activities for the next twenty-four hours and that you stay near a bathroom."

"Our schedules are free, right?"

Victoria presses her lips together, as if that'll stop her from having to answer. "We have that Vogue shoot," Krystal finally says. "We would've told you earlier, but…."

Luna's eyes dart to Jinri's face and she puts on the apologetic smile she practiced in the mirror earlier. _Sorry,_ she thinks, and hates herself for it. _Sorry._

 

When she and Krystal and Victoria return home seven hours later, they walk in to find Luna sprawled face-down on the floor. "Oh god," Jinri hears herself say, "she's dead." Her mouth is dry and sour.

“Temporary shock. She’ll be fine.” Victoria is already kneeling, her fingers disappearing under Luna's hair to feel for a pulse. “The same thing happened to me when I gave up chocolate last month.”

Jinri isn't sure whether the humming in her veins is pleasure or guilt or simple exhaustion. Whatever it is, it's abated by the fluttering of Luna's eyelashes and Victoria's sigh of relief.

She hears Krystal and Luna talking when she passes by their room on her way to the toilet. "They can dub over Jinri's voice with mine," Luna rasps, "I don't even need to be on stage. Just don't take this one thing away from me."

"No one's taking anything away from you," Krystal says, her voice quiet and soothing. "Except some baby fat."

Jinri locks the door behind her and puts two fingers down her throat.

 

"Luna shouldn't be on this stupid diet," Jinri tells Victoria. Victoria nods and yawns. Her eyes stay closed. "She doesn't need it."

"Management thinks she does."

"Management is wrong," Jinri snaps. She's not sure she's ever said that before. "Being thinner won't make her any paler or taller or prettier."

"Maybe they're trying to make up for that." Victoria turns onto her side and scoots back until her spine is pressed up against the wall. 

"But there's nothing to make up for."

Victoria finally opens her eyes, and somehow she looks more tired like that than she did when she was actually trying to sleep. "Jinri-yah," she says. "Maybe you should tell _her_ that."

 

They put Luna on a water diet. Jinri had done it a few times before — it was supposed to flush all the toxins out of your body and leave you all pure and clean — but never for more than 48 hours. She's impressed by Luna's fortitude: her only reaction to the news is a downward twitch of her lip, barely even noticeable to someone who wasn't watching for it.

"Just — pretend you're in Africa or something!" Krystal tells her. A hand flies to her mouth. "Oh, wait, you actually liked it there. So that's perfect!"

Jinri imagines Luna's belly bloated like one of those children in the commercials and wants to cry.

 

"She said she wanted to die yesterday," Krystal says. Jinri doesn't need to ask who _she_ is. "That she wanted me to kill her." Krystal's hair is in front of her face, hiding her eyes from Jinri. "Do you think she was serious?"

"No."

"She told me I was the only one capable of murder."

"Then she doesn't know me very well," Jinri jokes. Then Krystal looks up, and Jinri bites her lip at the pain on her face.

"I'm just so … _scared_ for her," Krystal confesses.

Jinri scoots closer so she can put her arm around Krystal's waist. She feels fragile under Jinri's fingers, like too much pressure would break her in half. "Don't be. She has you and Victoria, remember? And Amber's only a Skype away."

Krystal puts her head on Jinri's shoulder. "She's got you, too."

Jinri combs a hand through Krystal's hair. "Yeah."

 

 

Luna loses the weight. As if there had ever been another option. She loses it and keeps all of it off for three whole months. She never looks proud when their trainer congratulates her, though, just accepts the praise with a nod and a humble thanks. She never loses her composure in public, but at home Jinri catches her making faces at herself in the bathroom mirror.

So one day Jinri comes back from her schedule two hours early armed with a pack of whiteboard markers. She goes around the house while Luna and Krystal are at vocal lessons and Victoria films We Got Married and covers every reflective surface with writing. _YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL_ , she scribbles, and _YOUR HAIR LOOKS GREAT TODAY._ She dumps the markers in the trash when she's done.

She gets yelled at by three different people, but it's worth it to see the way Luna's smile—her _real_ smile—spread over her face.

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted [here](http://ladadadi.livejournal.com/12852.html).


End file.
